I Died. Again.

Some weeks ago, I died. Again. 

I mean, not me, but something in me…Someone in me. 

The past few months have brought up an inner wrestling. I’ve found myself detaching from some parts of me that had defined me for the longest time. Before now I would have argued that they didn’t define me, but in their absence, I questioned my identity and my worth. Within this time, I stumbled on a journal entry I wrote about two years ago- a conversation between the Lord and I. In response to some questions I’d asked, He impressed on my heart: 

 “you are who I’ve made you to be. You just have to discover who that is”

Every other time I probed Him on my future He spoke like it was in the past, something He already completed. Like He was waiting with me, for me at the finish line, yet leading me there. This confused me and honestly, it still does sometimes. It was even more confusing because every step towards this new identity required the release of an aspect of myself that I thought I had under lock and key. 

Don’t get me wrong, He didn’t abandon me to figure it out myself, nor did He coerce me into submission while chipping away at my sense of self, no. I just kept finding myself at crossroads requiring me to make decisions that either bring me into uncertainty or keep me in familiar situations. Personally, I’m not a big fan of drastic changes, well, change in general. I mean, I get it, I’ll go through it, but I’d always wish there was another way out😂. As a kid, I used to wish I had a narrator for life to subtitle everything I experienced and break it down in simpler words😂 I liked to understand the why, how, when, where, and everything step by step if I had the chance🌚… Funny stuff. 

One day, I came across this verse of scripture in a version I hadn’t read before. Trust the Lord to call you out on a random Tuesday afternoon lol.

“I hear the Lord saying, “I will stay close to you, instructing and guiding you along the pathway for your life. I will advise you along the way and lead you forth with my eyes as your guide. So don’t make it difficult; don’t be stubborn when I take you where you’ve not been before. Don’t make me tug you and pull you along. Just come with me!””

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭32‬:‭8‬-‭9‬ ‭TPT‬‬

Well, let me be the first to confess that I make it a bit difficult sometimes. So you can imagine that in many aspects of life I got stuck in a loop- choose familiarity, get familiar results, repeat. Zero stars, I do not recommend. 

Here’s something to note though, every time I chose uncertainty, all my safety alarms went wild 🚨 and sometimes I’d retreat into the familiar. sigh…Eniola… But there were times when I kept at it and stayed with Him (sometimes out of trust, other times screaming and kicking). Those moments introduced me a little more to this person He stands with at the finish line. 

I said all this to say that almost every time, the person you’re becoming will require the death of the person you currently are. Both “you”s can’t be you at the same time. 

Death hurts. Letting go of your plan is terrifying, (especially when said plan seems pretty solid🌚) and detaching from what seemed like a part of your identity can be scary. 

Nonetheless, some truths have given me comfort through this process of embracing uncertainty- God is good, He is with me always, and He loves me.

Consider these scriptures:

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.”

‭‭Psalms‬ ‭107‬:‭1‬ ‭NIV‬‬

“Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.”

‭‭Deuteronomy‬ ‭31‬:‭8‬ ‭NLT‬‬

“What is the price of two sparrows—one copper coin? But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without your Father knowing it. And the very hairs on your head are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.”

‭‭Matthew‬ ‭10‬:‭29‬-‭31‬ ‭NLT‬‬

God is good. 

God is with me always. 

God loves me.

Think about that. 

GOD IS GOOD, HE IS WITH YOU ALWAYS, AND HE LOVES YOU.

His plans for you are good, His thoughts about you are good, and His intentions for you are good. He sees you. He is well aware of everything going on in your life, and He’s with you. You can trust Him because He loves you. 

Rest in this truth, and let it ease your fears; you are more valuable to God than a whole flock of sparrows.

Even if you had to die to yourself a billion times more, in Him is life eternal. In Him, you truly live.