mo·tive /ˈmōdiv/

It’s 2:21 a.m.

As a recovering people pleaser, I find it quite tricky to draw the line between serving God because I love Him and trying to please Him for selfish reasons. I’ve noticed that sometimes I put in some extra effort in my devotion and I subconsciously expect a reward or some validation… at least

 ( like good job daughter, you’re doing everything right you perfect angel lol).

 But I don’t get anything. In fact, it’s almost as if He intentionally goes quiet and In those moments, there’s this slight pinch of rejection I feel. 

It’s quite embarrassing to admit this but I really couldn’t care less about shame or what ‘people’ will think. It’s been so heavy on my mind today and I think I’m trying to process it as I write.

Why do I feel rejected by God because He didn’t notice or reward my “sacrifices/efforts” and why am I just finding this out?

Sigh…

I’m back to the potter’s wheel again (not like I’ve ever left lol)

The most uncomfortable yet beautiful experience ever. The undoing and the rebirth.

I know this is something He wants us to work through and I know freedom lies on the other side of this. I know.

I know because every time He reveals something broken in me, He is asking my permission to let Him fix it.

I know this because every time I’ve said “yes” I’ve been introduced to a better me – a more refined version of myself.

I know this because I trust Him.

It’s 3:19 in the morning and I am less worried and more excited about what is to come.