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IT’S A SPADE

Sometime in college, I took a literature class and to be honest, I enrolled in that particular class because I saw that the teacher was a Yoruba man. I was fresh out of my home country and naturally gravitated towards this unspoken familiarity I felt bubbling within me. Aside from the fact that he is an amazing teacher, I love the analysis that went on in every class. You could read a simple poem and by the end of the class discover so many hidden messages and meanings. It was such a thrill.

There was a particular poem we studied that had to do with the racial oppression of black people in America. After much analysis, my Yoruba teacher told us about how our choice of words almost always influenced our actions and the lenses through which we experience life. In this case,(Trigger warning: racism) the slave masters would call their slaves “pigs” in order to justify the inhumane ways they treated them. That has stuck with me ever since.

We do that too you know? Maybe not in grand historical terms, but in our daily lives and in our walk with God. I remember there was a time I was upset with someone and I kept ruminating and thinking about all the ways this person has let me down. I continued that way throughout the day and at random times I would feel God convicting me of harboring anger in my heart. I acted like I was blind, deaf and dumb! In my mind felt justified “ I was the one that got hurt for goodness sake. When this person was saying hurtful things nobody convicted them o”.

When it was almost bedtime, I knew there was no way I could go to bed without praying but I also knew God would bring it up if I prayed. So I stayed up till almost sunrise that night lol! (If you like judge me!) I finally gave in and decided to pray before I slept. As expected, God started tugging my heart and convicting me of anger and unforgiveness.
“I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed” (Osheyyy wisdom!) I’m sure I felt so smart in that moment. Every part of my being knew that was a lie, but God was silent. “For real, I’m not angry. I’ve forgiven X”

Silence.

I tried to sleep but I physically couldn’t. I tossed and turned on my bed, hoping to find a comfy position to sleep. Then I suddenly realized that I was choosing unforgiveness over God and immediately I sat up on my bed, came clean, and apologized to Him. I eventually vented to and trashed out all my emotions with the Holy Spirit. But guys, all that didn’t happen until I was completely honest with God.

See, you’re not “getting intimate” with that person, you are fornicating. Getting money illegally is not hustling, it’s stealing. You’re not “blowing off some steam” with drugs and alcohol every day, you just may be struggling with an addiction. Intense physical touch with someone who isn’t your spouse is not a love language, the underlying issue is lust and a lack of self-control. Calling it a different name might ease the guilt on your conscience, but it doesn’t make it less of an issue. We must learn to see sin for what it really is and call it by its name.

Don’t shoot the messenger please and please…relax

Despite what you might be used to, you can’t be a Christian on your own terms. That was one of the biggest shockers I received when I began to take my walk with God seriously. The Christian walk is about daily crucifying your flesh and its desires, and as a result, becoming more and more like Christ. So some things just have to go. Some things need to change.

“…stripping off every unnecessary weight and the sin which so easily and cleverly entangles us, let us run with endurance and active persistence the race that is set before us, 2 [looking away from all that will distract us and] focusing our eyes on Jesus, who is the Author and Perfecter of faith [the first incentive for our belief and the One who brings our faith to maturity]…”

Hebrews 12:1-2 AMP

The good news is that you’re not left with the burden of fixing yourself. It is God’s spirit that works within us to will and to do for His good pleasure. Salvation itself is a miracle of changed desires. God can change your desires. Yes, with your consent, God can take away that craving you think you cannot overcome and fill the void with an insatiable yet truly satisfying hunger for Him. All you have to do is come clean and ask Him to help you. You know He knows, right? You know He sees the void in your heart that you try to fill with transient pleasures. He knows how bad you were hurt and how misunderstood you feel. He knows and sees you fully, yet His love for you remains constant. You don’t have to play “hard guy” with God. Be honest with yourself, be honest with God. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

Please note that I do not speak as one who is and has always been perfect. I am not the standard, Jesus is. Yet thank God daily for His grace and mercy that gives me a chance to be better than I used to be. I rely on the strength He has provided through His Spirit living in me and if you’re saved, you have that same spirit in you. See, there is a version of you that is yet to be revealed. One that is not bound by lust or addictions. One that has been set free from the weight of guilt and shame. There is so much more to you than you know. So much more.

All I’m saying is that God wants to bring balance to every part of our lives but He would not force Himself on us. He sees the struggle going on in your mind and He wants to help but He wouldn’t force His help on you. Jesus wants to show you who He created you to be. Take this as an invitation from God to sit with Him and deal with it, whatever “it” is, once and for all.